By Lafe Tolliver, Esq
Guest Column
As you know, the Trump GOP party has apparently decided to hang their political fortunes on the thoroughly debunked story that Haitian immigrants living in Springfield, Ohio are kidnapping pet cats and dogs…and eating them!
I kid you not. This bizarre social media story has now embedded itself in GOP political campaigning folklore; and both Don the Con and his supplicant, JD Vance are vigorous bleating this lie so as to appeal to his deplorable base that those “others” in Springfield should cause you grave fear and concern when they some come to “your” city or neighborhood.
As a photo-journalism major graduate from Kent State University, my hackles went up when I heard this faux story and marveled at the media life span that it is enjoying.
It was or should have been a relief that the cat involved in this story, Miss
Sassy, was found five days later, safe in the basement of her owner.
However, no apologies from Trump & Company or his news organ, Fox News,
for propagating a horrendous story of legal immigrants invited to Springfield to work in jobs that were wanting for workers.
With all of the national banter and comments about this story (even the owner of Miss Sassy apologized for putting out such a false story in a remote social media outlet), no one, I mean no one, has taken the time and effort to
find out the real story from Miss Sassy, the undeserved protagonist.
So, in the interest of fair reporting and making sure all sides have a chance to
explain what happened and how it happened, I obtained exclusive rights from the pet owner to interview Miss Sassy for her version of this still hot story.
I drove to Springfield and went to the owner’s home with my tape recorder and cellphone and, after the usual pleasantries with the owner, Miss Sassy was called into the living room.
Miss Sassy, an orange Tabby cat, slowly strolled in and took a seat in her owner’s lap and nervously eyed me and my cellphone. Thankfully, through the amazing advancements of animal science and the computer chip, I had on my cell phone a new app called CATTalk, which did a commendable job in translating cat talk meows into English.
The following, with brief editing for brevity’s sake, is the story that you will not hear on any network about the five missing days in the now topsy turvy life of Miss Sassy, an innocent feline victim of ugly GOP politics:
ME: Miss Sassy, thank you for allowing me to meet with you and take down your
side of the story of Haitians eating cats and dogs.
MISS SASSY: Thank you for hearing my story!
ME: Tell me Miss Sassy, why did you disappear for five days which led to your
owner (name withhold for security reasons) filing a police report of a missing
cat?
MISS SASSY: Well to my now embarrassment, I was in the house the whole time but in the basement for five days.
ME: Basement? Why?
MISS SASSY: Well, I was mad that my owner changed brands of tuna fish without telling me! There I was, already to enjoy tuna fish in oil but the brand she gave me was tuna fish packed in water!
I was devastated since I have been eating tuna fish in oil for years and then to have your life upended with eating tuna in water…it was more than I could
bear, so I ran away to the basement.
ME: But didn’t you hear your owner calling out to you and why did you not
respond?
MISS SASSY (after a long pause and glancing at her owner): I wanted to punish her for thinking I was one of those street cats that would eat canned tuna packed in water. What an insult that was!
ME: Miss Sassy, have you any idea of the national conversation there has been about you missing for five days and thinking you were kidnapped by Haitians
and eaten as a meal?
MISS SASSY: Oh yeah, I heard the comments since at nighttime I would go out
the back cat door and hear what was being said by the other cats in the neighborhood.
ME: Were those other cats scared about being kidnapped and eaten?
MISS SASSY (purrs loud). No! We were all accounted for and even some cats
from the Haitian community were at a loss of words because they were
not worried about those stories.
ME: So, you are telling me that for five days, you went in and out of your home by the cat door and nothing happened to you or to your cat buds?
MISS SASSY: Nothing…absolutely nothing!
ME: Well, what made you show yourself again to your owner?
MISS SASSY (utters a long cat meow): I heard her opening a can of tuna and it smelled like tuna packed in oil! Yum…Yum! So, I said enough is enough and went up the basement stairs and ate like a queen!
ME: So, Miss Sassy, can we say that all is well with you and your owner?
MISS SASSY: Sure, as long as she keeps serving me tuna packed in oil!
ME: So, what is your message to the media and to the Trump GOP about this false story?
MISS SASSY: We cats are fine! Check out any missing dog stories.
Contact Lafe Tolliver, cat lover, at tolliver@juno.com