I Am Not Making This Up!

Lafe Tolliver

By Lafe Tolliver, Esq
Guest Column

One of the greatest challenges and thrills of my life occurred when I graduated from Kent State University and was contacted by the State Department regarding possible employment in their division which surreptitiously records speeches of both foreign and domestic politicos.

Curious, I asked the interviewer why I was selected for this most unusual job and I was told that my aptitude testing showed that I highly demonstrated the uncanny ability to decipher cryptic and illogical sentence structures.

Even when I later left the State Department, I agreed, only on unusual occasions, was I to be contacted again to re-engage in that mind numbing work.

Well, that fateful time came, and I was secretly contacted to decode and make sense of a recent Donald Trump rally speech he delivered in New Orleans, one of my favorite cities to visit and the home of crisp hush puppies and a mean Jambalaya.  By private courier, they sent me the recorded video of the following bit of hubris by Donald Trump:

“I love New Orleans! The garlic toast here is amazing. I was downtown by the waterfront watching for leaping frogs and a man on a bike came up to me and said, ‘Sir, I can see that you are an intelligent man by the size of your hands. What are your plans today. Can I go along with you?’”

I said to him, “Sir, I noticed that all the women here wear wigs and I need to find out if anyone is from Ohio because Ohio is an important state for me to win back the White House but only if Joe Biden can stay away from those delicious

Maryland crabcakes! I walked around the Fifth Quarter and asked if there was a

Sixth Quarter somewhere and they told me no; but I was the only person to ever ask that question! I told them it was because my uncle went to M.I.T. and I am a smart man!”

Trump went on to say: “Sir, take me to the Hotel Pontchartrain so I can ask Jack Rose about the lack of moonbeams falling on the zoo at night. A big problem I hear in this city! When I get back into the White House, I will make sure that we construct a device to direct the moonbeams to fall on the zoo! Gotta have that done! Those commie Democrats hate moonbeams! Can you imagine anyone hating moonbeams?”

The man on the bike seemed puzzled but told Donald Trump to follow him

and he would take him to Magazine Street for French toast and bacon.

Not be outdone, Donald Trump thanked the nameless man and said, “Sir,

I can tell that you are a patriot, and I would be honored if you would serve in my cabinet as head of housing and urban development so we can have the entire City of New Orleans moved to higher ground due to all of its flooding.”

At this point, the cyclist slowly moved away from Trump and his entourage and peddled off to the Baker Hotel to have breakfast with a psychic who had kown Trump in a prior life.

INTERPRETATION: Donald Trump is experiencing what is known in our profession as “disjointed hyporthetical axis two memory losses.”

This is indicative of problematic future memory losses in which the person makes up non sequitur images and statements to fill in for what he is losing at the same time while he is speaking in disjointed sentences.

A person suffering from this noncurable mental illness, fabricates people and events making him out to be special and possessing superpowers to reconfigure his reality…as he thinks it should be.

In his comments to the man on the bike, Trump sees frogs jumping and wig wearing women as symbols of what he dreads the most and, that being, the frogs indicate the unknown and the wigs represent only a temporary cover.

His obsession with moonbeams shows that he wants to be transported out of this world to another and his fixation with food items from New Orleans means that it is through his diet that he finds solace and comfort.

By elevating the city to a higher ground, Trump is engaged in magical powers thinking that he can change even the location of cities if allowed to do so.

His illness indicates that he would appoint people to powerful positions that he does not even know but since they were nice or kind to him, he overreacts to

anyone who shows him kindness.

He mentions the Sixth Quarter (there is none) and M.I.T. because he wants to exude the appearance of being knowledgeable even on matters that he has no expertise.

Overall, the statements by Trump indicate that his mind is in serious disarray and decline and his rational thoughts are few and far between.

My conclusion to my State Department bosses: This man is a danger to himself and those around him and he needs an immediate psychiatric intervention to prevent future damage, possibly irreversible.

Lastly, it was agreed upon that upon my report being sent in and studied that it would be secretly destroyed for fear of reprisals if Trump were to re-capture the White House.


Contact Lafe Tolliver, former intelligence officer, at tolliver@juno.com