Hey Joe! Taliban Is on Line Two!

Lafe Tolliver

By Lafe Tolliver, Esq
Guest Column

Because of the below sensitive information that I feel compelled to share with my readers, I am writing this column in hiding from a fortified safe house in Port Clinton.

As some of you know, I spent my early working years as a communications specialist IV in the Defense Department. My job specs dictated that I intercept sensitive calls with foreign leaders when they called the White House.

This was to ensure that no one on the call could change the narrative on what was said because I kept a written log of the call and that call log was transported by military courier to a vault located at the command center at Langley Field, in Virginia.

The skills that I learned in that job were invaluable in enabling me to use those skills with corporate America when I left the Defense Department. I worked for a number of Fortune 50 companies when they were trying to access sensitive corporate “secrets” from their overseas competitors.

It was an easy gig and no one, other than the president of the company and their security team, even knew of my existence. I operated behind a non-descript closed door in the basements of the buildings of my employers. I even wore casual clothing to appear as if I was just another low-level commercial contractor.

However, when I noticed the looming tragedy that was about to explode in Afghanistan and the surging Taliban presence, my military training skills kicked in and I wanted to make a record of what really was being said by the top echelons of our government and the leaders of the Taliban.

Since my military clearance was not revoked, I still had access to my portal numbers and, from any location, I could “eavesdrop” on practically any conversation that used a land line.

The stark horror of the Taliban beginning to re-capture the country of Afghanistan compelled me to action. And I did.

To do what I did (besides having my military clearance), all I needed were a few simple computer tools and I was back in business.  On the black market (no names asked, just pay), I obtained a state of the art, Vysonic D-346 Modular, a K4s-Swart Model 8, two Digital H4’s (the 1998 model is still the gold standard!) and one Squelcher Donbey 4E.

Being ready, I gingerly placed the interceptor call with the Taliban chief and with President Joe Biden.  I learned the call date was set for August 8 at 2:15 PM EST. What I am about to share with you is a window into the sobering fact that America’s power and presence in world affairs are not what they used to be, and the Taliban knows it.

(AZX-45-HBT-7777. DELTA ONE, COPY TWO, AFGHAN-WASHINGTON) (This is the entry port secured numbers that allowed me into that fateful conversation):

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Is this Mullah Baradar?

TALIBAN: Yes, is this President Joey Biden?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, the name is Joe, not Joey!

TALIBAN:  Ok, ok…What can I do for you, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Listen, the agreement with you had with former President Trump is not working out and we need to revisit it because we need more time to get Americans and our allies out of your country.

TALIBAN: Ah yes, President Trump! He was a good stooge for us! Nice man but bad hairdo!

PRESIDENT BIDEN: I am not here to talk about him. We need more time than August 31 to move everyone out. We have a lot of people over there who want out and we need to get them home.

TALIBAN:  So I see. You did not plan for our success?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Who would have thought it! That fast in such a short time. How did you pull that off?

TALIBAN (laughing). Mr. Biden you supported a weak government and a weaker president and the army that you spent billions propping up was without a leader who cared about them.


TALIBAN: What! Your intelligence services did not tell you about the actual conditions of the soldiers and the corrupt government? It was easy for us to move in and have them lay down their arms. What were they fighting for?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Let’s cut to the chase. If we don’t get the time that we need to move out everyone, there will be devastating consequences. Do you understand?

TALIBAN (still more laughter). Mr. Biden, please! You had 20 years to do nation building and it failed because we Afghans are not asking for an Americanization of our culture.

The world sees the recent pictures on television and on their cell phones of the debacle that you caused; and you are asking for help to export the needed skills and talents of our citizens to America? Are you serious?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: (long pause). If we cannot get assurances from you that all Americans and those who worked with us, will get safe passage, we are prepared to come back to Afghanistan for however long it takes and get them out. Do you read me loud and clear!

TALIBAN: (loud chuckles). Mr. Biden, you know and I know that the war weary American people and your divided Congress will not authorize a re-invasion of our land. Don’t be foolish! What we do here is our business and what you do in America is your business.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: So, do you want to chance that and face off with our military and your raggedy bunch of fighters?

TALIBAN: (loud laughter). Mr. Biden, you can try but remember if you attempt that, you will lose your next elections and your sidekick, Kamala Harris, will not be the future nominee of your party.

If you get into hot water with the American people, your buddy James Clyburn cannot be your Superman again and save your bacon out of the fire, as you Americans say!

PRESIDENT BIDEN: (outrage). How dare you! You leave James Clyburn out of this! Oh, and another thing, what are the chances of us getting back the billions of dollars in weaponry that you guy were able to commandeer?

TALIBAN: (loud guffaw) Mr. Biden, good talking with you but I got to go. There is a rumor that this secured line is being tapped! CLICK.

Contact Lafe Tolliver at tolliver@juno.com