By Lafe Tolliver, Esq
You probably have read where Donald Trump is proudly trumpeting that he took a cognitive brain test and, get this…he aced it!
When I read that, I was floored as to how this buffoon could pass a legit brain test. I just knew that there was something “off” with this revelation and especially so when we learned that he literally wrote his own physical evaluation some years ago and it was signed off by that “hippy looking” New York doctor.
So, being desirous to know what is what, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
As many of you know, I spent over 20 years in counter surveillance intelligence services in Washington D.C. and had the unenvious task to make sure that all professional credentialed personnel who service the White House staff were competent.
When I left Washington to come to Toledo, I left many good friends and valuable contacts and, now and then, we get together on Skype to discuss the past and what is now ailing the future.
During one of those conference calls, a person who I will just refer to as, “Gleason,” asked me to call him on a back channel secure line. Curious about what was what, the next day I called him back at his laboratory in Silver Spring, MD.
He was quite giddy to say the least because he was able to purloin a copy of the cognitive test that was purportedly given to the president so as to assuage people’s concerns that the president was not, “loopy-loopy.”
Now, in my business, I do not ask questions about how certain data is obtained for fear of being complicit as to how it was obtained, so I listened as he told me that a friend of his works with the team of psychologists that devised the cognitive test for President Trump.
The friend was able to surreptitiously obtain a copy before it was noticed as missing and sent it on a burner cell phone to his home copier. He had a copy!
I knew he was taking a huge risk, but he was a patriot who was not willing to continue to compromise the integrity of the White House with another scandal about President Trump and his fitness to hold the highest office in the land.
You can imagine the drama I had as I concluded the phone call and went to my copier which read, “One Fax Received.”
As I reached to push the copy button, I felt a tinge of fear that if found out, my friend and I could be seen as co-conspirators in bringing down this presidency but we both agreed that duty to others counted more than such selfish feelings as to what could happen to us.
I pushed the copier’s brown button. The machine purred and churned out a 12-pager full of questions and puzzling stick diagrams.
I was so chilled about what I was holding that I involuntarily scanned my room expecting to see FBI agents yelling for me to put my hands in the air.
Luckily, no agents appeared.
I sat down to read the missive and I was appalled as to what I was reading but will let you be the judge if you think some of the sampled questions accurately probe and test to see whether a person is mentally competent. I don’t think so!
QUESTION NINE: You friend has four blue crayons and you have three yellow crayons. How many grey crayons do you have together?
QUESTION 47: You take a mile-long walk and meet Ron who said that he just finished walking three miles with his pet dog. What is the name of the dog?
 no name
QUESTION 50: A person yells Fire! And you stop and look around for the fire but see none. What should you do?
 start a fire
 keep walking
 ask others where the fire is
 go up to the person yelling Fire and slug him
QUESTION 62: You are sitting on a bus at a stop sign. Three mean looking midgets get on the bus. What do you do:
 keep on looking for the fourth midget to get on.
 smile at them and hope they are friendly.
 wonder if they have trouble getting dates.
QUESTION 70: At a party, you are first to arrive and the host is setting out food and drinks and asks you to go get some ice. What do you do?
 tell the host to get his own ice.
 tell him you no longer chew on ice.
 tell him you will be back when others arrive.
 nothing. Just sit and stare at your shoes.
QUESTION 89: You are in a crowded elevator and someone faints. What do you do?
 get off at the next floor and catch another elevator.
 take off the shoes and pat the bottom of his feet to revive him.
 wonder why everyone is looking at him and not at you.
 wish you had taken the stairs.
QUESTION 91: If you divide a pie into eights and there are five people to eat it, how much does each one get?
 as much as they are willing to fight for!
 none. No one likes the pie.
 each gets two eights, since one of the persons does not eat desserts.
QUESTION 100: You just finished a purchase and used two quarters and three dimes and one penny. How much did the item cost?
 None. I had a coupon for it.
 Need more information to answer this question!
 It was only worth the three dimes!
 before or after sales tax?
To my utter amazement, President Trump answered none of the questions correctly except for question 47! People, we are in trouble. Deep trouble.
If you wish to get the entire test and answers, please send to me a nontraceable money order for $41.73 (includes shipping and handling) and wait for me to contact you.
Contact Lafe Tolliver at firstname.lastname@example.org